Life keeps handing me the mother I’ve never had;

I was going to keep this blog topic for a little later because it will most likely be a little long and a little boring, but it’s a big part of my life.

So, let’s go back 22 years ago; to the date of my birth. I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and I wasn’t breathing. I was told that I had to be revived and when I did I stayed at the hospital for a bit longer to make sure I was going to be ok (good news.. I made it! 😉 ..) My mother fell into a “postpartum depression”, understandably. Only problem is, as the years went by, her depression worsened instead of getting better. At the age of four my parents separated and my mother won custody of my sister and I. The judge at the time seemed to think my father wasn’t “fit” to have full custody of us because he worked “too many hours” and his house wasn’t near a school. What the judge didn’t know is that my mother’s depression had completely taken over her life, she spent her days sleeping and verbally abusing my sister and I. My mother has been the most controlling, brain washing, naïve person I have ever met.

At the young age of 8, I moved out of her house and had moved in with my father; best decision I have ever made. Throughout the years I have contacted my mother on and off even with her behavior because as a little girl and a teenager, I still felt as though I needed my mother. After all, she’s the woman who had given birth to me, I owed her at least that, right? Wrong. Just because someone gave birth to you, it doesn’t give them the right to verbally abuse you, it doesn’t give them the right to make you feel unloved and to make you feel as though you will be forever alone.

Thanks to my amazing father, I have outgrown the need to have a mother around and have turned out to be a pretty, smart and ambitious young lady. 🙂

So now, back to the actual title of my post- the last two jobs I’ve held (the one before moving to ONT. And the current one I have) I have met two women that I’ve gotten real close to. These women have both been there for me and been role models. I believe it is life’s way of telling me that I do deserve to have that role model in my life and it is not my fault for what my mother has gone through!

Last year when we found out we were pregnant, one of my many reasons that led to my decision to have an abortion was because of my mother. Unfortunately, I was scared that I would end up like her and not be able to be a good mother. Had I known then what I know now, I don’t think it would have changed my decision, however it would have helped with my depression by quite a bit. I guess though, that is what life is all about; live and learn & get over things on your own terms.

To the ones who know me, this is an extremely huge stepping stone in my life. To be able to put my past regarding my mother in the past; where it should be. I have struggled, I have cried, I have yelled, I have gotten angry, I have gotten hurt, I felt my heart shatter every time she decided that I was “good enough”, but no more. I’m living my life and looking forward to my bright and exciting future! 🙂

; To the ones who have struggled or have been bullied.. I hope that you know that not only life does get better, but you CAN and WILL get through it!

–          Xo.


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