Today is the day…

Today is the day that I wake up in the morning and really do not want to get out of bed.

Today is the day that I will have to force myself to put a smile on.

Today is the day that while I will be getting ready and looking at myself in the mirror I will wonder.

Today is the day that I will think constantly.

Today is the day that I will be reminded that although you cannot please everyone, I was a failure in one person’s eyes.

Today is the day that I will wonder what I could have done differently.

Today is the day that I am reminded of all the times I have spent crying myself to sleep as a child, teenager and adult.

Today is the day that no matter what I do, or where I look, I am reminded that I am the cause for my mother’s life battle against severe depression.

Today is the day where I wonder how I may have deserved anything I have gone through.

Today is the day I wonder if I hadn’t put up a fuss to get my favorite cereal at the supermarket as a child, if things would be different.

Today is the day I worry that one day I will be like my mother; careless and selfish.

Today is the day that I remember all the times I watched my mother chase my sister and wonder if I was next.

Today is the day that I fight the urge to scream and cry.

Today is the day I am reminded that no matter how young I was or how hard I tried, it was my fault that I was born not breathing and had a near-death experience.

Today is my birth mother’s birthday.

Today is also the day that I will get out of bed bravely and tackle every task given to me.

Today is the day that I will remind myself that no matter how much of a failure I was in one person’s eyes, I was the darn best thing in everyone else’s.

Today is the day I remind myself that it wasn’t me. No one was good enough for her.

Today is the day that I remember what a strong, brave, beautiful woman I have become without my mother.

Today is the day that I kindly remind myself that when I do become a mother, I will be the best damn mother that child will ever have.

Today is the day that I remind myself I have something to be proud of, beneath all the tears and hurtful words that were said, I turned out ok; better yet, I turned out great.

Today is the day that I am reminded that I have been fighting for my life since the day I was born, since the first breath I took; and I’ve done a damn good job.

Today is the day that I feel bad, not for myself, but for my mother for not having fought harder to be in my life. Her amazing daughter.

Today is the day that I get a little bit stronger, because;

Today is my mothers birthday.

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One thought on “Today is the day…

  1. Pingback: Breathe | Casual, Possibly-Nonsensical Ramblings

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